IFReviewed by Andrew Plotkin on 2006-06-25 08:29
This is terribly, terribly unfair. I'm really sorry. But I just started laughing hysterically, and it's not what the author intended. In the middle of an intense ending sequence, I read the line:
"My blood pumper is wronged!"
I just lost it. It's a very "Eye of Argon" sort of line.
But I don't want to focus on that line. Let me back up.
This is a horror short-short. The writing is quite good; the prose is quite bad. Or vice versa. What I mean is... the idea for the story, and the events, do work. It's a creepy situation.
The actual text is, well, not very skilled work. Lousy spelling, grammar, general clumsiness. Not much I can add about that. Read more good books, practice more. (I wish I could believe that the title was misspelled deliberately. Sigh.)
Technically, also pretty bad. ("in" works to get in the canopy bed, but "get in bed" screws up dramatically. And the business of the lamp needs more detail text; it's not obvious that you can only reach it from inside the bed.) The central puzzle is, again, a good idea; but it's implemented weirdly. (Your clothing, which is critical, seems to appear only after several turns. And "stab me" should work the same as "stab chest".)
But, on the other hand, I thought the hidden text (in "amusing") was pretty nifty. "...communism, silver and various isotopes of uranium." Good!